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What I meant to say.

photo(91)Hello. Again. I know I fell off the face of the Earth for the last 5 months or so. Well, not really. I fell into myself. I fell into a new rhythm, a new way of thinking, a new way of breathing, a new way of being. Because being pregnant is different. Not just in a hormonal, body changing, food aversion, morning sickness, exhausted sort of way. Being pregnant means everything is different. The whole world is different. Nothing is the same.

The thing is, I never thought I wanted to write about that. I mean, sure, I wanted to have kids one day. We were planning to have this little one. I knew I was pregnant when I wrote my last post in May. I knew that the blogs that I loved most then were the ones about food and fitness. And when those blogs I loved to read every single day shifted gears so that they could have children too, I stopped reading them. Having kids was fine and all, but I wanted to know about good food dammit. I wanted to vicariously eat at cool new restaurants through them. I wanted fitness inspiration. I wanted to hear stories of women who were living lives like mine, and then participate in the conversation with a Colorado twist.

Or so I thought. Since being pregnant, I’ve found myself going back to all the posts of theirs that I skipped over when they were expecting. I’ve found myself avoiding writing anything here because it all just seems like a different world now. Not that I still don’t love good food or good runs or days spent hiking Colorado’s peaks. It’s just that things are different now in a way that I can’t deny and can’t fully explain. In a way that I never understood before I actually was pregnant.  I’ve watched as family and friends got pregnant and had children. I watched them change and seem different. I’ve been happy for their happiness. But I didn’t get it.

I get it now.  Being pregnant is the biggest miracle that I’ve ever experienced. That there is this little life kicking & squirming & growing within me is a miracle greater than any I have ever known. It’s worth being tired. Worth the weight gain. Worth the changes I’ve been forced to embrace within my diet and lifestyle. Worth the nights I can’t sleep and paychecks I spend on baby things. Worth the worry. Worth the fear. Worth what ever pain I might have to endure during labor (I mean, check back with me on this one, but… 🙂 )

Whatever happens it’s worth experiencing profound faith and profound love that I am learning right now. Because being pregnant is beyond my control. And I like control. You might even say I had addictive behaviors when it came to control. I still like knowing input and output. I like knowing how my day is structured and how my life is mapped out and how my body responds to food and workouts. I don’t know much of any of that now. All I can do is eat the best way I know how, intuitively following what desires and rhythms my body is adhering to in this time. These desires and rhythms are older and wiser than me. These desires and rhythms are the most natural and powerful I have known; they are capable of sustaining a life that is beyond mine. And beyond these desires and rhythms I devote my time and my body to God. For what I no longer can control or measure, I must find faith to count on instead. I have never known any other time in my life–break ups or break throughs– that have strengthened my faith as it is being strengthened right now.  I have also never known love in the way that I am learning to love now. My favorite college professor once defined love as leaving room enough for your beloved to grow. So in each day, I learn the ways of this child that I haven’t even met. I learn his rhythms, and feel his movement in amazement and gratitude. Every day is new. Every day is different. I see the world with different eyes.

I didn’t think  I wanted to write about any of this. Because who has time to read this crap? I mean, it’s not light and fluffy. It’s not food or fun or fit. It’s not the popular kid who doesn’t risk or expose too much (or heck, maybe even have that much to give). This kind of writing is NERDY. It’s awkward and intense. If it were in a room at a party (which much of media is these days, being social and all), it would be the one you’d be making signals to a significant other to step away from. But I can’t write anything without addressing it. I’ve got 5 months to prove that.

So you can skip reading the baby or faith or love posts. I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve been there before too. But I’m going to write them in case one day you find yourself amazed by the life growing within you too.

With Love from Colorado,

Keri

7 thoughts on “What I meant to say.”

  1. Oh if you think things are different and magical now, just wait. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Being a mom (Quinn is now 4.5 months) has shaped me more than I ever could have imagined: emotionally and FIGURE-atively.

  2. I loved reading this. I think it’s actually Exactly what people want to talk about, status quo is just determined by everyone assuming that they themselves aren’t fascinating. There’s a book (& her website) called “Fascinate” by a researcher who says, “People don’t have to learn how to be fascinating; they already are. What they need to un-learn is how to be boring.” Paraphrased, but that was the gist :-). Thank you for sharing; i found it fascinating.

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