Zora Neale Hurston’s novel Their Eyes Were Watching God begins with this. Years that ask questions and years that answer…..
2013 was a year of question. Of questions. Of questioning. Mostly, it was the year I asked to God & to my body, am I to be a mother? There were years, especially in my twenties, that I wasn’t so sure. I was pretty darn sure I didn’t want to be pregnant. I was terrified to gain weight, to give up my body, to give up the way of life I had known. I was also terrified of newborns. At parties, when people pass around the new baby to hold, I’d politely find a reason to leave the room. I don’t want to hold your baby.
I still might not want to hold your baby. But I want to hold mine. More than anything, I can’t wait to feel the warmth of his little, brand new body in my arms. To feel my heart beating outside of my own body. To look into his eyes & marvel at the perfectness of his hands and feet.
I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever. 2013 was the year I spent pregnant. Is today going to be your birthday baby E.? Tomorrow? Mom & Dad are ready to celebrate life with you. Mom & Dad are ready for the year that answers. For the year that we have to answer to:
Will you give up life as you know it and give everything you have to this little child? Yes.
Will you open yourself to a new rhythm of life that leaves you tired, that tries you, that tests you? Yes.
Will you learn the world with new eyes, see it through this child’s eyes, and love it all the more? Yes.
Will you learn how to love in ways you didn’t know were possible, and will you extend that love to one another, and to others? Yes.
There are years that ask questions. 2013 asked many questions of us. About life, about how we want to live, about how we will live ready or not–any day now.
2014 will be a year of answers. Both from God, from my body, and from us. It will be a year that we have to answer to life. And any time life’s got your number, any time you just show up with the best of your intentions & imperfect actions, there is growth. I am open to this growth, whatever growing pains it might bring. I am ready to show up, to be present. This is my sankalpa. My true intention. My resolutions or goals are being listed tonight, but no matter what I resolve to let go of or become or achieve in 2014, most important is to be present & open to love. To loving this little one. To learning Love from him. They way that God loves me. The way that I can better love others. The way that I can love and accept myself–imperfectly and awkwardly as my efforts may be.
2014 I welcome you.
Hopefully, the next time I write, it will be to share a birth story…
What are you welcoming into your lives this year?